I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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