I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
