and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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