I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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