can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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