you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
