She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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