Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
