Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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