they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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