I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Everclear isn't food dammit
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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