he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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