3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
