It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
foreskin is a definite game changer
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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