I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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