"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
