I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
