your parents love me but you hate me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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