We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
