I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
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Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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