Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
