Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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