Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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