just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
