tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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