Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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