I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
