I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
