I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
