I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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