I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
