He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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