why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
