Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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