I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
