I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
