Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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