I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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