i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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