yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
