Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
