I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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