Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
