I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I got inside last night via doggy door
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
