we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
