You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Still dying that you shit outside
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
