well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
