look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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