i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
