ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
