I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
